So here I am nearing the end of my pregnancy and I have been dealing with many emotional rollercoasters.
Since this is my second pregnancy, I'm really mourning the fact that it won't be just me and Bradyn anymore. I mean this is my baby. My sweet little girl who I love to see her smile and hear her laugh. Once this new baby comes, our dynamic changes. I know it will be ok, but it still hurts. I never knew it could hurt this bad.
I'm really really really struggling with the fact that I may actually have *gasp* a boy. I know for many of you, that would be your preference or you can't imagine what your life would be like without your sweet little son. But for me, whose sister tragically passed away too early in life and left me an only child, a sister is something that I yearn for to this day. I see other people who have sisters, especially ones they are close to and part of me weeps inside knowing I'll never have that. I want that so desperately for my little girl. Even typing this out makes me want to cry, but considering my eyes still burn from crying earlier, I'm going to resist the hormonal urge and move on to my next rollercoaster.
Good news: Jeff got another job, which is fantastic. However, here's the Bad News: This puts him about an hour and half away from me this week and possibly next. Um, don't know if anybody realizes this but my due date is Jan. 25. People! That's NEXT TUESDAY! Which realistically means I can GO INTO LABOR AT ANY TIME. So it sort of terrifies me that he will be stuck in traffic while I have to call someone to take me to the hospital while I have my baby without him. Now I highly doubt this scenario, BUT..... it could happen.
And this brings me to another pin in my side. I saw my doctor on Tuesday and he said that I was at station +1 and that I am so far from giving birth. This sent me into an emotional tailspin. Nobody wants to hear "Hey, you know how you have been mostly miserable in your own body for what seems like an eternity? Well hon, your going to have to endure it longer than you want to." NOT what you want to hear. The upside is that Jeff and I have been able to conquer some of our long overdue house hold projects. Its always nice to get things done. Now if only I could have this pregnancy done.....
I apologize for the emo-ness of this post. I have a lot to be thankful for but I just can't seem to get out of this funk. I have more issues that I'm struggling with, but I think I'll leave that for another post.
I know I should focus on this new bundle of joy that I'm about to be given. I think it will really hit me once this new babycakes is placed in my awaiting arms.